"But, all I have for the moment is a song to pass the time
And a melody to keep me from worrying
Some simple progression to keep my fingers busy
And words that are sure to come back to me..."

I'm in one of my moods, where I could just curl up in a ball and dwell on life, listening to Bright Eyes. And maybe cry. You know. But I decided to write about it. I've never done this...I feel slightly odd.

Well, I've come to realize that no one knows me, and I hate taking the time to let people get to know me. And what's even sadder is it's only 2 people who really know me. One of the two I never see anymore...my therapist. The second is Bonnie, and well, she knows me inside and out, but we don't talk much. And she seems to be walking a path that'll lead her to the rest of her life, which will leave me out.

So here, I'm close to some people...quite a bit of people. Yet they don't know me. It takes so much time and energy to spill my guts, that really need to be spilled. But I don't like taking the time. And I don't think they care to take the time to understand my complicated mind.

So then, because of this, I get all insecure in all my doings, because people don't understand where each thought comes from, and feel like they just might think I am satan. And with the insecurity, how on earth am I ever going to be comfortable in a relationship? 

And now Something Vague's playing...and I'd rather absorb each word I've heard 500 times, and cry...and pass this up...like everything else in life...
 
And now life is passing by so quickly, and what do I have to show for it? No relatioships, it seems.

And I love who I know, I do. But I feel like it's not mutual. 

"And then the bridge disappears, and I'm standing on air, with nothing holding me, and I hang like a star, fucking glow in the dark, for all those starving eyes to see..." -Bright Eyes

"Language just happened, it was never planned, and it's inadequate to describe where I am... 
...and these clocks keep on winding and completely ignore everything that we hate or adore..."-Bright Eyes

Then I think I'm crazy, because Conor's writings are the only things I hold onto. It's like he's the only person who understands me, but the guy doesn't even know me. So I'm practically obsessed/in love, and hold onto someone/something that doesn't know I exist. And I look at this music as a best friend. It's really sad.

I don't know... 
I could rant on for forever, and ever, and I should really count my blessings.
1...2...3...4...5...both parents are alive, and well, as well as my brother, and 2 sisters. 5 blessings right there.

I just hate counting on something that's not tangible for my happiness, and when it comes down to it, I'm not really happy dwelling on pain. 

I have an exciting future planned for myself, that I NEED to reach, but I can't keep getting stuck on the fact I have no good relationships...

But I just wish people took the time and wanted to hear me analyze things like Bonnie used to. I miss having people to work my brain out with. I really do.

Bonnie and I could lay there forever, and she'd listen to my theories, and agree, or help work them out better. And I could always express myself without her thinking I was crazy, or a big baby, or too depressed. She loved me for me, and understood where I was coming from. I miss it.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Fevers and Mirrors Cd